Trying to Catch These Moments
As I try to look outside myself, I don’t see a 28-year old mujer, trying to juggle work and planning a wedding to the love of my life. I see a little girl. She’s outside on a hot summer day in the front yard, trying to catch butterflies. This is how this feels at this moment. I’m constantly chasing little moments, trying to hold on to them, not realizing they are flying by.
In less than 30 days, I’m going to walk towards love in a vulnerable and honest way. To be real, I never imagined getting married (other than when I was a little girl and told my dad I would marry him LOL). But growing up, I found that love was deceiving at an impressionable age. I’ve gone through so much —which will be for another post one day— but enough that made me feel like the “institution of marriage” wasn’t for me. And that all changed when I came to know JD, my fiance.
He made me feel that I can redefine what love, and marriage means. To define it in any way we wanted it, without limitations. Without pressures. So purely ours. And now that looks like deconstructing and unlearning parts of ourselves to learn a whole new language of love. A type of love that will take hard work, oh but hard work that will feel like climbing a mountain.
JD and I have been engaged for 1.5 years, but really didn’t start the intense planning until the last 6 months. And man—they’ve been challenging. So many small moving parts.
What linens do we want?
What are the cheapest but prettiest flowers?
Do we want a cake stand?
These micro decisions for sure has tested my patience. But at the same time, it has made me learn to really, actually, take a step back and look at the big picture. If my head is down the whole time looking at these tiny details, when will I have time to look up and around my view after climbing this mountain?
These last thirty days will be full of making time for both of my jobs, being intentional with my family, and most of all, nurturing to myself and my relationship. Sure, I’m asking a lot from myself. Yea, it’s going to be challenging. But, I think it’s time for the little girl that I see chasing butterflies to be still. And encourage stillness.
To let the butterflies come to her and land on her shoulders. And when they do, the moment will no longer be fleeting, but forever.